Spider-Man, Doctor Who and “Steve” from Minecraft went off to school today dressed up for World Book Day and I found myself exhausted as soon as I woke up and thinking about life and the past. Although we should not live in it, the past shapes who we are today and plays an important role. The day before mum died, dads’ then girlfriend organised for me to have a horse on loan. I thought all my birthdays, xmases and dreams had come true all in one go. Myself and two friends Debbie and Cath got the horses tacked up and went off for a hack around Tavistock, Devon. Back then, my favourite books were the ones about a girl called Ginny and her chestnut Arab, Shantih. I could not believe my luck that my dreams from the book could now be a reality.  It was every little girls fantasy. This day however, stopped my dream in its’ tracks. As we were riding along, a bird flew out of a hedge and spooked Honey, Debbie’s horse which consequently bolted. She was thrown over a parked car and the old style, ill fitting hat, slipped forward just at the moment the back of her head hit the edge of a pavement.  Her skull was fractured and she died in Caths arms. I will never forget the colour blue she turned. Mum died the next day, I had not had a chance to visit her in the hospital due to the excitement of having my own horse to look after followed by the then devastation of a young life lost, Debbie was 15 years old, she had her whole life ahead of her. Ever since, I have been very sceptical should any seemingly “good fortune” should come my way for unless it actually plays out to the end with a happy ending I don’t allow myself to be too excited.

Is this being negative or being realistic? I know not. It seems extremely bad luck to me. Maybe it has made me a strong, empathic person. I read a book many years ago which was all to do with metaphysics. From what I could determine, the idea is, what you give out mentally becomes a reality so if you visualise wealth enough you will somehow attract that into your life. All well and good but how does a 10 year old child attract a fatal accident and the death of her mother into her life at the age of 10 and within 48 hours. Metaphysics does not make sense to me.

Being a Christian, why would God do this to me? What could the possible reason be? I have to trust that I am being looked after in some way. There are moments in my life which outweigh these singular events, the kindness of a stranger just when I need it, a small windfall just when I am that much short in the bank, somebody to talk to when I need someone to listen, a phone call from a friend to cheer me when I am feeling sad. All these constant things which happen all the time go some way to rebalancing the big, singular events, I see it as being looked after because the fact is, life happens and you are never going to get through it without someone close dying or being killed or having a horrible illness but it is how you approach it that matters. I don’t think it is about just getting on with it, this infers it can be patched over and forgotton about, too Draconian for me, or just accepting it. I won’t ever accept losing these two people within 48 hours of each other. Neither can I accept MS now when my little boys need me the most, I thought I could, well I can begin to some days.

Positive thought: keep going

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