Emotions and pain

I feel really ill today and my mood has gone very low, I can understand why 50% of people with MS get depressed. It feels like it doesn’t matter what I try to do to help myself my immune system continues to attack my nervous system. I am up to the highest dose of gabapentin the consultant has prescribed and it still doesn’t feel enough. The pain in the right side of my brain is so severe I can do nothing but curl up in a ball and wait until it goes.  Then come the tears and frustrations and the thoughts that it’s just not fair. None of this is fair. Life is not fair.

I took Eli to Tai Chi today as it is half term and the other two boys went to play football, I think the teacher realised I wasn’t myself as he asked me how I was and he doesn’t normally.  He mentioned that diet is paramount in this illness and now several people have said the same thing to me I must make a start when I get back from my friends birthday week in Camber Sands, East Sussex which I have been invited to next week beside the sea.  I hope it will help me feel better having some time with friends.  I will miss Rob and my boys terribly though I have never left them all for that long. I have known my friend Vicky for 30 years and her husband Jon for 25 years, I was their bridesmaid. Strangely they have the same birthday, 23rd February so we are going to celebrate that together. Jon is a chef and is going to be cooking yumptious food all week. I think he is even going to catch the fish first!  They are amazing people and I am blessed to have them in my life.

I am going to spend some time whilst I am away trying to make the decision about betainterferon. It feels like such a big thing to me, having read a bit about it, it seems it is likely to thin my hair and make me feel like I have flu for a couple of months.  I don’t want to feel even more ill but I don’t want to get worse either and there is only a 33% chance it will work anyway. Aaarrrrgh! I don’t know what to do….. Then there is the whole needle thing, having been on the Ms society forums some kind people have reassured me about auto injecting and I think I will just have to get over it.

So today is a keepin’ it real entry, no links, no photos, no findings, just a real day sharing how rubbish it can be sometimes, and I don’t have the fight in me all the time. Today is a day when I just wish this wasn’t happening to me and my family. To write anything else would not give a true picture of what this is like living with the starts of this illness which is having such a profound effect already.

Positive thought: never give up

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